Helen Brown column | Canterbury News | Local News in Canterbury

Why do I always seriously reconsider going on a diet when it's nearly Christmas and the greengrocer's shelves are groaning with sumptuous summer produce?

"Eeez great!" says Mario the guy who runs our local shop. "Nectarines $4.99 laazz week. Dees week $3.99. All fresh today. We gotta apricots, too. And rrraspberries. Boo-ootiful!"

Mario blows kisses at his mangoes and strawberries. I have to agree. His produce is irresistible. If I'd brought the car I'd have loaded the entire contents of his shop into the boot. Thank heavens I'm walking. I'll only buy what I can carry.

Like most of the fruit and vege guys in Melbourne, Mario's Italian. He works with passion and likes to sing. He'd be an opera star if he wasn't selling lettuces. Some say the whole greengrocer network is run by the Mafia in this town, but I think it's a load of tosh. Mind you, there was that "incident" in a local supermarket car park a few years back when a greengrocer delivery man was taken out by a single bullet at four in the morning.

It caused quite a stir. Even the butcher was shocked. But then, he said hacking into his fillet steaks with terrifying enthusiasm, what else could you expect from greengrocers?

Mario wouldn't dream of leaving a horse's head in anyone's bed?a cauliflower head, maybe, but only for a joke.

Demonstrating incredible control I bought only one mango, half a pineapple, one punnet of raspberries, two of strawberries, nectarines, a lettuce and a few apples (for school lunches).

"Eez going to be 43 degrees tomorrow," Mario sighed, loading my stuff into carry bags.

I used to think I was a hot weather person. Since moving across the Tasman, I've learned to loathe heat. Having grown up in NZ, my body's programmed to register 25 degrees a respectably hot summer's day.

After seven years, my blood has thinned enough to tolerate anything up to 32 degrees. Beyond that, my system goes into meltdown. I stare at the walls and can't move.

My body seems to know when it's going to be incredibly hot because I wake up with an uncharacteristic urge to clean things. Subconsciously I must know I'm going to be trapped inside most of the day and will soon be too hot to move. The only thing more depressing than being stranded on a broiling sofa is lying there gazing at all the gritty stuff on the floor I don't have the energy to vacuum. Hot weather should help people who want to sweat out a few kilos. But it doesn't work when watching daytime television seems like a form of extreme sport.

I asked the friendly trainer at the gym what their weight loss programme was like. She said it's rubbish. They give you cans of drink that make you feel full when you're not, to shrink your stomach for a couple of weeks. After that they help you "explore options" and "make choices". It wouldn't take long for me to explore the chocolate bar option and the Christmas pudding choice.

It was a mistake to tell the trainer I'd lost three kilos on the Atkins diet earlier in the year (I've since found it of course. It was hiding in the fridge waiting for me).

She fervently disapproves of the Atkins diet. Everyone does. Ruins your kidneys, they say. But hell what's a little kidney damage if you get to look like Sarah Jessica Parker?

To stay healthy through the festive season, I've blended the best of all the diets I've tried to create the Ultimate Helen Brown Diet. Breakfast is Atkins (poached eggs and bacon) with coffee (totally unreasonable to live without coffee). Lunch is Low Fat (masses of fresh bread, snake lollies and fruit from Mario's). Dinner is whatever you like (because you've been so well behaved during the day) providing it's accompanied with high quality alcohol. Celebrate the day's end with something chocolatey. The cocoa bean has been maligned for too long. It's a fabulous anti-depressant. There's obviously room for Christmas cake and pudding in there. Which reminds me, readers with elephantine memories have been emailing asking for Jo's fantastic Christmas cake recipe from last year.

I still have it, along with the ultimate pudding. For an additional treat this season I'm offering Christmas mince pies to-die-for (courtesy of another talented cooking friend, Sue).

If you're in the mood for a Christmas cook-up, send an email to notnuts@bigpond.com and I'll let you have all three.